Save a life or condemn it to death?

I saw this pigeon right outside my garden and noticed it couldn't fly and hopped on one leg. His leg just pointed up in an angle of 45 degrees and I couldn't leave him there. It ran away and hid in the bushes. I left it alone and came back a couple of hours later. It was still there. It started snowing. If I left it there, he wouldn't have survived the night. So I grabbed it and put it somewhere warm. His paw was still wounded, so we called the vet, but she said we had to call the bird protection people, which was really far away so we couldn't go there anyway.

His life depended on how far we had to go.
Isn't that insane if you think about it? What if it was your life on the line?
I don't know if I believe in God, but I believe that things happen for a reason.
I believe that there are signs, you can choose to follow.
Like to save a life or not.
I let the pigeon recover and today I released it. It flew out of my hands into the sky. One of the best feelings you can ever get.

 
   How To Save A Life

The little things

I admit it. A year ago (give or take), I came up to a crossing point (on my bike), simultaneously with a car. There was this couple with a baby waiting to cross the street. The car stopped, I didn't. The couple started yelling and calling me names, but it was already too late. I was already past them. But what they said.. It really got to me. So I didn't forget.

This morning, I was riding my bike to school and I let this old couple cross the street and they were so happy. It really made my day. I continued my way and there were these pigeons crossing the street, right when I was passing. And they flew over me. It just made me smile. It's the little things that make my day.

The Little Things

No snow yet

They predicted snow for tomorrow! I love snow. I am tired of this flipping rain.
Today, it started snowing in between to classes and someone immediately started moping that he had to drive through that. But I looked up, ran up the stairs and laughed. It made my day.
Unfortunately it was a mix of rain and snow, so it didn't stick.
I just want to have a snowball fight and then come back in and have some hot chocolate. Perfect.

Later that day, it hailed really tiny hails, but they melted right away. It's just not cold enough (yet).
Damn you, global warming!

The last fall flowers

Sunset

Forbidden Passion

I had this dream. I went to my grandparent's house. When I let myself in with the key, I saw no one was home. But then I saw someone. A guy, sleeping in the couch. I recognized him. I had seen him somewhere on Internet. I woke him up and he jumped. "What are you doing here?"
I said: "What are YOU doing here? This is my grandparent's house."
We both thought the other one was breaking in. He then explained they rented the house to him, while they were on vacation. That sounded like them and I lowered my guard. "Oh, sorry for attacking you like that."
"Don't, it's a normal reaction. I could have been a burglar or something." He said smiling.

We started talking and he told me that he came here to take a break from everything. When I left he asked me if I wanted to come back tomorrow, because he was all alone and didn't know anything or anyone here. So I came back the next day. And the next day. And the day after that. I had completely fallen for him. We had so much fun together. He made me smile.

We were joking about something. We stood up, but we were a bit too close to each other. We almost fell over, but he caught me. Our faces were so close I could feel his breath blowing over my lips. He came closer and he kissed me. It felt so warm, so passionate. I knew I was going to follow my heart and wasn't going to stop him. I answered his kiss and wanted more. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around him. He carried me to the bedroom upstairs. And I knew, there was nothing I wanted more in this world than him.

After that, I had decided we could be lovers but nothing more. I loved him, but I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend (in real life, I'm not sure I was aware of that in the dream). Everything stayed the same, yet everything changed. We still laughed with each other, but now I had this feeling filling up my chest that just wanted to come out. And it did. We were in the middle of a conversation and I just blurred it out. "Hahaha, I love you." He looked at me still laughing about something we said. Immediately I tried to laugh it off, like I didn't mean it. But I did. I meant every word of it.

Unfortunately, my dream stopped here. It's because of dreams like this, I like to go to sleep. It felt so real. Even though it didn't last that long, I could escape reality for one moment. It's because of these moments I love life.

Spider web #4

Spider web #3

Spider web #2

Spider web #1

The meaning of my ring

3 years ago, my boyfriend and I had these rings.
One for him, one for me.
We were them every day.
To me, it's a symbol of my love for him.
We were them on our thumbs, mostly because they fit there.
But for me, I wear it there because I would only wear it on my ring finger when he asks me a question with it.
I promised myself that, as long as I loved him, I would wear this ring.

I haven't taken it off once.

Where were you?

My boyfriend told me he's going to train more. (He does karate.)
He has official training on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
And he wants more?
He's not doing this alone. There are 2 who are going to train with him.
One boy, one girl. This is were I have a problem.
What if the boy gets sick or can't come?
My boyfriend alone with a hot girl with a cute accent, doing a lot of touchy "karate".
I know I should trust him. I do. But it just makes me uncomfortable.
If someone would ask me: "Are you a jealous person?"
I would have to admit: "yes, I am."
And so is he. So we're a perfect match.
When your boyfriend says to you: "Honey, I'm going to train some more. Don't wait up." or a call you get: "Don't wait up, I'm going to work overtime."
Do you hear those warning-bells?
A warning inside you, that tells you: "Watch out. Is he really doing what he says he's doing?"
I've seen too many situations were a guy says he's "working overtime" or something like that and he's actually cheating on you.

I'm just being paranoid. I'm just going to have to trust him. Right?

Love isn't easy

I'm 19 years old. I have a little less than 3 years of school left.
I met my boyfriend when I was 16. I wasn't doing well so I redid my year. Everyone in my class was at least a year younger than me. Including my future boyfriend. He had really short hair and was shorter then me. He was not my type. Not at all.

I always give people a chance. So I was new in this class and I decided to get to know these people.
My first attention went to this guy with half long hair. I used to love guys with long hair, so those were the people I wanted to know about first. I got to know him and after a week, I noticed that he was a little crazy. I tried to back off more, but it was all ready too late. He followed me around, every chance he got. Fortunately I went to my friends, who were not in my class, during the breaks. But in class, I couldn't turn around without him right behind me. Everyone noticed this and they had more experience with him (because they had been in the same class for 2 years). They helped me with little "stalker-problem". It was one of the best classes I was in, now that I look back at it. I fell for someone in this class, but it never came to love, because we thought so similar. It would have never worked. He also knew this and actually told me this literally. He was into party's and I was into concerts. He had had plenty of girls (so he said, but I doubt that) and I had had 1 boyfriend (which lasted around 9 days).

 But I was tired of being alone. My search went on. Then my future boyfriend started to get my attention. He talked to me a lot and supported me when I needed it the most. Right before the Christmas holiday, he told me he loved me. I was not prepared for this and tried to get away as fast as possible. I didn't see him for 3 days and then it was school again so I had to see him. But what to answer? I said no. I didn't love him at that moment and thought it wouldn't be fair to him to say yes and lead him on.

But... 3 Months later I thought about how I could be so stupid. I was looking for love so hard, I couldn't see it right before my eyes. We still kept in touch. So we called one day and it led to a conversation until 3 in the morning. Since that conversation I was no longer single. It still took a while for me to feel comfortable, because this was my first real relationship. But I learned to trust him. We had our problems and overcame them. We have been through so much together.

Unfortunately I wanted to study  to work in a laboratory and so did he. So now we're in the same class again (just as the last 3 years). I thought that if we would see each other too much, we might get tired of each other. The change would have been welcome. But I'm going for a different kind of lab than him, so we'll probably will be in different classes soon. But now if I see him, it's at school. If I see him at home, we'll probably have to study. It's just most of the time about school. He can be very negative when it comes to school. He can nag more than an old woman. I get so tired of it. When he calls, it's about school, to ask questions. We don't do that much romantic stuff anymore. But after he asked me the school stuff (just like an hour ago), he sends me this text: "How do you keep up with me? :)". There are these moments were I just want to jump him and cover him with my kisses. There are moments I want to strangle him (not really) and moments I want to kiss him.

 Love isn't easy. But it is worth it.

What do you see?

Nightlight

Night is coming

Love after 65 years

There was this story on TV about couples who have gotten married 65 years ago.
They seemed happy.
They still loved each other.
They said that love changes.
When you're young it's more about lust and sex.
But when you get older, it's more about the little things.
It's about having someone you can count on.
Someone who has been there through everything.

I wondered if I would still be with the same person I am now, 65 years later. I can't predict the future. And I don't want to know. I want to discover everything for the first time. Let life surprise me.

I belong to the night

I used to be afraid of the dark. Now I embrace it. I like it. I prefer it.
I was afraid because I feared the unknown. Now I feel save in the night.
The sun can only hurt my eyes.
The moon won’t hurt me.
She brings just the right amount of luminance to lighten my path.
The stars show me which way to go.

A mystery

Ever get the feeling you like someone, because they fascinate you?
Because you can’t read them,
Because they are a mystery to you?
You hang on their every word,
trying to figure them out.
I’m not sure I will ever figure him out, but the search for the real him is worth it.
I discover something new about him everyday and I love it.

Pregnant?

I’ve been having this strange feeling for about 3-4 days now. I just feel so terribly nauseous. Especially in the morning. If I told anyone these symptoms, they would probable say “You’re pregnant.”. But I’m on the (birth control) pill and I have never forgotten to take it. So it’s almost impossible to get pregnant. But even though I know that, I still cross my fingers every month, hoping I’m not pregnant. There are people who have gotten pregnant and were on the pill. Even in my boyfriend’s family, his brothers girlfriend had a second baby even though she was still on the pill. I hope that doesn’t happen to me. I’ve always wanted to have children, when I have a job and place of my own. Now my boyfriend’s family would probably kill me.

Anyway, I think it’s just allergies. It will pass eventually. I just hope it goes away fast. It’s not fun to stay in class when you feel like your insides are one big slime ball. Let’s just hope it’s not one slimy baby.

Kidney stones

 My dad called. He was in the hospital because he couldn’t stand the pain. It’s the first time he is in a hospital (when he’s not visiting anyone). He had kidney stones, but the man that he is, he didn’t go to a doctor until three days later. Now he is so high on (legal) drugs, he doesn’t feel anything. They are going to try to crush the kidney stones. If that doesn’t work, he’ll have to stay a while longer. I said to him, he should be happy because now he knows how it feels to give birth if he was a woman. He could feel the stones go down in his body and now he is in a hospital to get them out. Now he can relate.

Cacao cocos

There’s this commercial for a new shampoo on TV.

Flavor: cacao cocos (chocolate coconut smell, cacao in Dutch means cocoa in English, that’s not confusing at all)

Try saying that ten times in a row.

Water falling out of the sky

This morning I had class around 8 a.m. My alarm clock went off 2 hours earlier, because I don’t want to rush in the morning. But while I was hitting the clock, I heard the loud ticking on my shutters. The rain. I ride my bike to college so I went “noooooo” in my mind. I don’t like to arrive soaking wet.

But when I’m at home and I don’t need to be anywhere, I like the rain.
Or when I’m camping in my tent, I love the sound it makes on it.
I love the way the sky turns dark and you can feel the rain coming.
I love how it makes the trees move and the way it hits pavement.
I love how the drops bounce back up as if they are trying to go back to the clouds.

And when it’s over, there are puddles everywhere. You can see the reflection of the sky above you and the birds flying over. You see the world come back alive. People come out of hiding and continue their lives. And you have the chance to see something beautiful.

Crush or love?

I saw someone I used to have a crush on today. I saw him coming at me on his bike on the opposite side from where I was on the road. I couldn’t see him clearly yet, but I wanted it to be him. He came closer and I immediately knew it was him. I smiled and waved at him. He saw me and smiled back. He was exactly how I remembered him. But I used to get butterflies in my stomach when I saw him. I used to miss him. Now I don’t. I still miss him, but it’s not the same.

The same thing happened a week ago. I saw someone I used to have a crush on, but this time it lingered. I thought about him the entire way to school. Then it just faded. I think he meant more to me.

I used to have alot of different crushes. It started when I was 5. There was this boy who used to pick me up and give me kisses. But he told me, he wanted to be a cowboy. He wanted to go to Texas, but I didn’t want to go, so we lost sight of each other when kindergarten was over. Stupid, I know. I was too young to know what I was feeling. Apparently I saw him again on the bus, but he had gone away before I found out. At that moment I could really hit myself then. I used to think he was my soul mate. I never forgot him. I was so young, but still there was this thing between us. I couldn’t just forget him.

I would get a crush on someone once every year. Once I was 12, puberty hit and I would get a crush every 2 years. Then when I was 15 I had this huge crush on this guy. Someone told him this and he just had no respect. He played with my feelings. He left and went to another school. He broke my heart. Since then I got afraid to tell my feelings to anyone. But at 16 someone new came to our school. After a couple of months I fell for him and we became a couple. But I still didn’t trust it completely. After 9 days we broke up. I had told a friend who I thought I could trust, it wasn’t going well. I was thinking about breaking up with him. She told everyone in school. Of course, he wouldn’t speak to me (for about 6 months). I deserved it. I shouldn’t have told anyone. Of course, after that I no longer trusted that friend and we grew apart when I did my year for the second time. And that year became the best of my life. It was here where I met my boyfriend. I was still having trust issues but he took the walls around my heart down. He was patient and I learned to trust him 100%. We are now together for 2 and a half years. At times, it seems to good to be true. But it’s not all roses and sunshine. We have been through a lot, but we have made it this far.

Who knows what the future will bring?

The perfect moment

I had this dream a long time ago. It was a simple dream. I was lying in someone’s arms on this black leader couch. I felt save. I felt loved. I was in love. Everything was perfect.

I love dreaming. It takes you away from real life. Everything can happen in your dreams. It’s strange. When I’m dreaming, I don’t know I’m dreaming. But somehow I react different then I would in real life. Although I can’t really know that, because in real life, I haven’t had these situations, so I don’t know how I would react. My dreams feel more passionate. It feels like I’m following my instincts. I feel first, think later. I follow my heart, not my mind. In the real world you can’t always do what you want, you think before you act. In your dreams you can do anything. You can be with anyone. You can feel anything.

Passion, love, security. All in one moment. The perfect moment.

It’s going to be all right.

I went to the funeral of my uncle. When the music started, I broke inside. I remembered the times of New Years Eve with the music he used to love. I felt the tears welling up and I was overflowing with the idea of missing him forever. Then one of his grandchildren started talking about those good times at New Years Eve and I remembered all the fun times, the times we laughed, the times I looked forward to, but now can never have again. And then craziest thing happened. I started smiling. In between my tears I smiled. I think we should remember the good times. Not think about the sadness. When it was over, everyone left and I felt like we were leaving him behind. I really didn’t want to cry anymore, so I told myself: “Think of someone else. Someone who makes you feel happy.” And in popped this image in my mind. I almost instantly stopped crying and felt this calmness coming over me. I felt warm inside again. I saw the person in my mind and knew everything was going to be all right. Who this person was? That is for me to know and for you to find out. I can only tell you, he makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a while. He is the one from my dreams. Although he will probably never be mine, he still haunts me in my mind.

Dealing with death

My mothers uncle died 2 days ago.
My grandmother told me and I told my mother.
I’d never told anyone before that someone you love isn’t here anymore.
The first day I cried once. Once. That’s not alot if you knew how I usually deal with things when someone dies.
I’ve lost 3 people I love in 4 years.
My great grandmother, grandfather and now my uncle.
First time I completely crashed, the second time I was crushed and now I cried once and that’s it.
I’m starting to think I’m losing the ability to release my emotions.
All the men in my family are dying.
My grandmother, aunt and mother are now without men.
I don’t like the way this is going…
My family is shrinking instead of expanding.
I can’t help but think of the beginning of life when a life ends.
I’m becoming 20 but eventually I want children.
I want to concentrate on the positive things, not the negative.

How do I know you’re real?

Sincere or sincyr?
I’m having trouble reading you.
I’m writing this while listening to Erik Satie - Gymnopédie No.1
A video you posted on twitter
I always check the stuff you share with the world
because I know it’s going to be worth it.
But how do I know you’re real?
You sometimes say you don’t like the way you look.
Are you serious or are you trying to get girls to respond ‘No, you look great. You are beautiful.”
And you are beautiful.
It’s not that hard to trick people if you look like you do.
I was once tricked by someone I liked (alot).
He broke my heart.
It made me trust people less.
Don’t worry, I learned my lesson.
But now I see you and I can’t help but wonder: Are you real?
The only thing I know is: You make me smile and I love you the way you are.
So tell me: Are you sincere? Or are you a sin, Cyr?

Old blogs

I'm going to move my blogs from Tumblr to here, so all of them will be added at the same day. But they were written a while ago. Let's get adding :)

Moving

I used to use Tumblr to blog and I'm still not sure which account I'm going to use the most. But I'm going to give this one a try :)

I just started to go to a new school a couple of weeks ago.
In 3 years (with a bit of luck and alot of studies) I will graduate from the last school in my life.
Everything is different.
Longer hours, more student/class, less free time, huge auditoriums and some crazy people.
I can’t help thinking back to how it used to be.
I don’t miss the stress, homework and small classrooms.
I miss the people, the laughing, the good times.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: I miss you guys…